Siss-Ter Dar-lene Pa-yan

I wrote the following post maybe 2 or 3 years ago but I never felt to share it until now. So, my last name is Payan and sounds like pie-yawn. You ready? Here goes...

 I added this picture from Christopher's graduation. 

I have a testimony I would like to share with you. I moved back to Glendale, Arizona in 2008 and had lived here about one and a half years when this story took place. It happened on a Sunday morning at church during the altar service, I cannot tell you what the preaching was about but I can tell you that I've never forgot that church service nor have I let go of what was promised to me that day; I am standing on the promises of the Lord for my miracle. I hope this encourages you in your walk with the Lord and in trusting the hand that not only shakes the foundations of doubt, He removes them. This is how God got a hold of my attention.

It was at the start of the altar service and I thought to myself, "I'll just pray here at my pew." I was not praying a real deep prayer but I was praying when all of a sudden Pastor Garrett came and placed both hands firmly (grabbed) on my head and began to deliver this message with such boldness in the Holy Ghost that I suddenly went from just simply praying to grabbing-hold-to-the-horns-of-the-altar type prayer. This is what he said,

"Siss-Ter Dar-lene Pa-yan, the Holy Ghost told me to tell you, "Whatsoever ye ask for, He is going to give it. If it is for your husband, He will give you your husband, if it is for your children, He will give you your children, if it is financial, He will bless you financially, all you have to do is ask it of Him and He will give it to you."

I began to weep, my friend. I wept and talked to the Lord earnestly and with such humility that God would let me ask for anything and He would give it and in that humility this is what I prayed.

"God, I don't need to ask for finances. You have showed me how good You take care of me. If I am in need of anything You have provided for me and my children. What I want is my husband. I want Ralph saved and for him to come home. He is lost in a world of sin and needs You to save him. I want my husband saved. I want Kristen saved, Lord. There are struggles... and... in her life. She needs You or she will be lost. I want Jared saved, Lord. I want my son to be a "Man After God's Own Heart", one that serves You and lives for You all the days of his life. I want Christopher to be saved. God, all this heartache over everything that happened in our lives while he was young has hurt him. Each time that he says he wants his dad to come home and that he wants his dad saved, he always proclaims, "God is going to bring him home and things are going to be different." He has the faith of a child in You, Lord. But today and in his future I want Christopher to be saved. Use my son, Christopher, for your kingdom. You spared his life so many times for Your service, use my son, Lord." Then I began to name each of my siblings and their children. I prayed for my parents. I prayed for my Ralph's parents and each of their children.

I cried out, "God, this is what matters. Not the finances, not the job. You always provide, I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor Your seed begging for bread. Ne-verrr."

Well, my friend, at the start of this year's prayer and fasting something got a hold of me or was it that I got a hold of faith. I began to pray, "Lord, I am going to praise You as if it already were. I am seeing through eyes of faith and not fear and doubt." This is what I have been telling the Lord when I pray.

"Lord, I did not ask the Man of God to step down off the platform and say those words to me. You spoke to the Man of God to deliver this message. You offered me anything and that You would give it. Remember that day, Lord? Remember when You said through Pastor, "If it's your husband He will give you your husband"? That was your message to me, God. I remind You of the promise You offered me. I know You have not forgotten, but I am seeing it as though it already were. Because You, God, You said it".

Friend, it will not be long. In prayer the Lord showed me a time frame and we are close my friend. We are so close. I can tell you more about the prophesies of others messages were given to my family such as: A missionary from China visiting our services, came up to my daughter and said to her, "Your dad is going to come home." We never met this missionary before yet he had a message from the Lord to my daughter.

A lady at my work, asked me if I was married? I told her no. She said, "You might think this is weird because I don't even know you, but, I feel like I am supposed to tell you that your husband is coming home. I don't know why I am saying this, I was trying to ignore this feeling because, well, I don't even know who you are." My reply was this, "You might not know me but God knows me and He wanted to show me He is at work in my life. It might seem strange to you but it is not strange to me. Thank you for telling me this, you don't know how much it meant to me." Then she looked at me and asked if I believe in God, because she believes but she doesn't go to church and that was why this was strange to her. It provided me an opportunity to tell her of the Lord. He is an awesome God!

I have been renewed with such joy and a grateful heart for what is going to happen.

I love you, dearly.

Isn't God good? Yes, He is SO GOOD!

Closure On The Past

Let's do a little bit of catching up today on what's been going on lately. Ready?

It's been just over two months ago when I told my kids that I had this feeling in my heart that we passed the test. Which test? The test of my circumstances. It was so clear to me as I felt the weight of my situations lift from me.

I told my kids,  "Dad is coming home" I felt that so strong to where I knew it to be real. Then Sis. Loe approached me and wanted to share with me that her family got to talk to Ralph and that his eyes watered-up as they told him they are praying for him.

We have an evangelist at our church and he stated something I believe. That when the man of God speaks God will honor what he said. I have clung to that these past years because Pastor told me God is going to bring Ralph back. Pastor Garrett told me that 6 years ago. And I have watched and waited, looking down the dusty road hoping to see my husband come home. Well, there at the end of altar service Pastor said, "Your husband is coming home." He said it twice. And this is another thing I believe that when God repeats Himself, He really means it. God knows that I believe that way and that is why it was said twice. I caught that as I listened.

Now, I am just sharing what is in my heart with you, today. I want to say out loud what I have seen God do for me and is going to do for me also.

Recently,  I applied for a job that I knew was to be mine. I went to the interview with so much confidence that I felt God already made the decision about it. After the interview I was told they will get back to me by Friday. Today,  I looked at my email,  checked my phone, and a friend asked me if I heard anything yet. No, I had not. She told me not to worry about it because she knows God always looks out for me. Praise God that is the testimony they see of God toward His children. My reply was that I'm not worried if it's mine He will open that door. Then this is what came to my mind, I believe God was opening a new door and closing the door to the past six years. Those years were hard and hurtful. I began to feel encouraged again about my interview even though I had not heard anything.  After work I checked my phone and there was the call and voice mail; which only said to call them back. I did and was offered the position. A new door opened so I could close the door of hurts.

One concern I have had over the years is having to renew my lease. Because when Ralph comes home this house will be too small for one more person. I have had to renew my lease each year or I had to move out. Well,  I never wanted to be committed to a lease. But today they said it will be month to month. So now I am not tied to a lease and we can move when we need to.

I want to post the draft-post I wrote about 2 or 3 years ago but I will wait for you to read this one first.

Like it never happened. That's the life Joseph lived after he was reunited with his family. The Bible tells us that God will restore the years that locusts have eaten. I will continue to praise even though I am still waiting for it to happen.

God bless,
Darlene

I am still using my phone to post. Sorry no pictures just sharing my heart.

 

Still

I had listened to the message by Brother Lambeth, "The Number One Friend of God", and I prayed to be the number one friend of God like John was the beloved. In the message Bro. Lambeth stated, "The mountain is big my friend but where on the mountain are you at? Like Moses on top of the mountain with God, or as Peter, James, and John with Jesus, or are you like the other disciples at the bottom of the mount?" Before service I prayed, "Lord, I want to climb the mountain and fellowship with You". And tonight's service was exactly what I needed. Little did I know the message preached by Brother Morgan was going to be about Abraham and Isaac climbing the mountain to worship the Lord in a sacrifice. The servants stayed at the bottom but Abraham climbed the mountain and took his son with him. "God I want to climb the mountain", I prayed again and wept all service long, "God, I want this!" The altar song was "Zion Is Calling Me to a higher place of praise, to stand upon the mountain and magnify His name". I have got to climb the mountain I do not want to stay at the bottom and be satisfied being near it but I want to be on top of the mountain with Jesus. I Must Climb Higher in His Presence. I believe it is on the mountain I will get my answered prayers and my miracles.

"Darlene, we need to talk and we need to talk on an equal basis", said Ralph.
"I'll just pretend that I am asleep", I thought and I did not open my eyes.

Ralph left the room and I sat up. Oh! I was so mad. "How dare he say we need to talk on an equal basis. I am the one who suffered here", I said to myself as I got up to see, "What is he doing in my house?" He is standing outside on my porch beside my patio table. I stopped at the dining table and looked at Ralph as he turned to face me and he asked me point blank, "Where were you when I needed you?"

I awoke from my dream a bit perplexed, "Does Ralph need me?" I asked myself. That thought stayed with me all morning while at work. A few hours later I got a phone call.

"Hello", I  said.
"Dar, Dad's in the hospital and I can't get a hold of anyone." said Ralph. I could hear in his voice he was worried.
"And what has that got to do with me, he's your dad not mine", I replied with angered pride!
"I was trying to get in touch with the kids, maybe they can go see Dad for me and tell me if he's okay".
"Well, I'll tell the kids after work (which meant he has to wait until the end of my work day) and if they want to see your dad then I guess they'll go, later. But I have to get back to work. I am really busy". Then click.

"Darlene, that was so mean", I scolded myself as I remembered the dream and the question that I had asked myself when I first awoke, "Does Ralph need me?" I left work immediately and went to the hospital (which I was going to do anyway but I did not want to state the favor I would be providing (Pride is so ugly). I spent several hours with my ex-father-in-law and then gave him a ride home, tucked him in bed, sat on the bed and chatted until he fell asleep. Before I left I sent Ralph a text to let him know his dad was okay,  I gave him a ride home from the hospital and spent the day with him. Now I wanted Ralph to know I drove his dad home and was doing all I could for his dad, because he (Ralph) needed me. "I will stop by tomorrow and see if he needs anything."
"Thanks, Dar. It means a lot to me that you were with Dad", came his reply.
"Ok, nite."
"Nite."

At another time, I awoke from sleep because I heard a song being played in my room. I heard the music and the last phrase, "But then most of all, I do love you, still". No, it was not the alarm; I use the buzzer sound. The song was not loud for it did not wake my kids. I sat up so sure I heard music. Not only did I hear the song I FELT the song, "But then most of all, I do love you, still" I even heard the swelling of the music after those words. The kids were still sleeping soundly as I checked to see if they had music playing. I came back to my room and no more music was heard. It's crazy, but I could sense this was for me and, believe it or not, the Lord was letting me know what my heart needed to feel and hear. I went to the Internet and listened to the song. "Still" by the Commodores. It is really sad. Too many mistakes and words unsaid.

I believe restoration is going to happen. My heart's desire is going to happen.

Joel 2:25

 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...

Is. 54:7b

...but with great compassion I will gather you. 

Is. 54:8b

...with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”

   says the LORD, your Redeemer.

I can't wait! It is just the small things that tell me he still loves me.
"But he isn't here." SO! 
"And he's done..." SO!
It's not about me! (I want it to be) but it is about God and Ralph. Sometimes I ask God, "Does it hurt You that he is out there?", and "How much longer, Lord?", "Does it hurt You that He left You?", "It hurts me, Lord, I can only imagine how it tears You apart". 

"I want to know what God is doing", in frustration and overwhelmed by my situation I asked Pastor this question in a meeting with him and his wife.

"Sister Darlene, that's a tough question", he tried to say as I interrupted him.

No, it's not. You are the man of God, the Lord shows you, and what He has showed you has come to pass in the life of others, now I am asking for me and my situation with Ralph, "What is God doing?", I asked again.

All of a sudden, Pastor had a different look to him and he spoke in a direct manner. I knew the Lord spoke to Pastor and I was about to hear from the Lord a message, but was it the message I wanted to hear? I was afraid, and yet, I needed to know for direction and for patience if the message was what I was hoping for. Hope against the world but Hope that is Alive through Jesus Christ my Lord.

Pastor said, "Ralph is coming home. He is going to pray-through in these altars. It is going to be a really bad situation for Ralph in his sin. When God gets a hold of him Ralph will... but, when he comes home he will be so glad to be home."

"Okay", I said, "that is what I needed to know; Ralph is coming home and will be saved. Alright, I can endure this for Ralph".

I have been waiting for almost four years. This April will be four years since... and in this time the Lord has been so good to me. It's crazy, but I am thankful for my trial. Had it not been for the path I had to take I might not have seen what the Lord could bring my through. I would not have seen this side of the Lord. The side of a God that took care of me, strengthened me, and comforted me. The road was and is hard but God has always been good. 

Still

Lady, morning's just a moment away
And I'm without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn't say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where'd we go?
We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
"But then most of all
I Do Love You
Still!" 

We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
'Cause I needed you so desperately!  (Does he need me?)
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I Do Love You
Still! 
(I added the song on the playlist for me because...)

I believe in miracles. And I believe my miracle is soooo close, I can almost touch my miracle. 

Hebrews 11/1

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

I will always love Ralph, my one and only love.

God bless you, Dear.

xox

Blessings,

My in-laws never left my side through these trying times. They are dear to me. They really take care of me for Ralph. When he asked for a divorce he asked his parents to take care of us; and they have done so. It truly is a testimony unto the Lord, how close we are. And we have included them in pretty much everything. She told me tonight she will be making a homemade dinner for me with tortillas so we can spend time together. And I am there for them at anytime. They hug me and begin to pray for me sometimes, "God, bless my daughter-in-law..." Then they squeeze my hand and smile. He is coming home, friend. I have so much to be thankful for. You are going to see it so soon. Just watch what God is doing, that is what I am doing; watching the dusty trail for my miracle to see him coming up the road.

Resources

"Still" by the Commodores