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February 17, 2012


I had listened to the message by Brother Lambeth, "The Number One Friend of God", and I prayed to be the number one friend of God like John was the beloved. In the message Bro. Lambeth stated, "The mountain is big my friend but where on the mountain are you at? Like Moses on top of the mountain with God, or as Peter, James, and John with Jesus, or are you like the other disciples at the bottom of the mount?" Before service I prayed, "Lord, I want to climb the mountain and fellowship with You". And tonight's service was exactly what I needed. Little did I know the message preached by Brother Morgan was going to be about Abraham and Isaac climbing the mountain to worship the Lord in a sacrifice. The servants stayed at the bottom but Abraham climbed the mountain and took his son with him. "God I want to climb the mountain", I prayed again and wept all service long, "God, I want this!" The altar song was "Zion Is Calling Me to a higher place of praise, to stand upon the mountain and magnify His name". I have got to climb the mountain I do not want to stay at the bottom and be satisfied being near it but I want to be on top of the mountain with Jesus. I Must Climb Higher in His Presence. I believe it is on the mountain I will get my answered prayers and my miracles.

"Darlene, we need to talk and we need to talk on an equal basis", said Ralph.
"I'll just pretend that I am asleep", I thought and I did not open my eyes.

Ralph left the room and I sat up. Oh! I was so mad. "How dare he say we need to talk on an equal basis. I am the one who suffered here", I said to myself as I got up to see, "What is he doing in my house?" He is standing outside on my porch beside my patio table. I stopped at the dining table and looked at Ralph as he turned to face me and he asked me point blank, "Where were you when I needed you?"

I awoke from my dream a bit perplexed, "Does Ralph need me?" I asked myself. That thought stayed with me all morning while at work. A few hours later I got a phone call.

"Hello", I  said.
"Dar, Dad's in the hospital and I can't get a hold of anyone." said Ralph. I could hear in his voice he was worried.
"And what has that got to do with me, he's your dad not mine", I replied with angered pride!
"I was trying to get in touch with the kids, maybe they can go see Dad for me and tell me if he's okay".
"Well, I'll tell the kids after work (which meant he has to wait until the end of my work day) and if they want to see your dad then I guess they'll go, later. But I have to get back to work. I am really busy". Then click.

"Darlene, that was so mean", I scolded myself as I remembered the dream and the question that I had asked myself when I first awoke, "Does Ralph need me?" I left work immediately and went to the hospital (which I was going to do anyway but I did not want to state the favor I would be providing (Pride is so ugly). I spent several hours with my ex-father-in-law and then gave him a ride home, tucked him in bed, sat on the bed and chatted until he fell asleep. Before I left I sent Ralph a text to let him know his dad was okay,  I gave him a ride home from the hospital and spent the day with him. Now I wanted Ralph to know I drove his dad home and was doing all I could for his dad, because he (Ralph) needed me. "I will stop by tomorrow and see if he needs anything."
"Thanks, Dar. It means a lot to me that you were with Dad", came his reply.
"Ok, nite."

At another time, I awoke from sleep because I heard a song being played in my room. I heard the music and the last phrase, "But then most of all, I do love you, still". No, it was not the alarm; I use the buzzer sound. The song was not loud for it did not wake my kids. I sat up so sure I heard music. Not only did I hear the song I FELT the song, "But then most of all, I do love you, still" I even heard the swelling of the music after those words. The kids were still sleeping soundly as I checked to see if they had music playing. I came back to my room and no more music was heard. It's crazy, but I could sense this was for me and, believe it or not, the Lord was letting me know what my heart needed to feel and hear. I went to the Internet and listened to the song. "Still" by the Commodores. It is really sad. Too many mistakes and words unsaid.

I believe restoration is going to happen. My heart's desire is going to happen.

Joel 2:25

 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...

Is. 54:7b
...but with great compassion I will gather you. 

Is. 54:8b

...with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD, your Redeemer.

I can't wait! It is just the small things that tell me he still loves me.
"But he isn't here." SO! 
"And he's done..." SO!
It's not about me! (I want it to be) but it is about God and Ralph. Sometimes I ask God, "Does it hurt You that he is out there?", and "How much longer, Lord?", "Does it hurt You that He left You?", "It hurts me, Lord, I can only imagine how it tears You apart". 

"I want to know what God is doing", in frustration and overwhelmed by my situation I asked Pastor this question in a meeting with him and his wife.
"Sister Darlene, that's a tough question", he tried to say as I interrupted him.
No, it's not. You are the man of God, the Lord shows you, and what He has showed you has come to pass in the life of others, now I am asking for me and my situation with Ralph, "What is God doing?", I asked again.

All of a sudden, Pastor had a different look to him and he spoke in a direct manner. I knew the Lord spoke to Pastor and I was about to hear from the Lord a message, but was it the message I wanted to hear? I was afraid, and yet, I needed to know for direction and for patience if the message was what I was hoping for. Hope against the world but Hope that is Alive through Jesus Christ my Lord.

Pastor said, "Ralph is coming home. He is going to pray-through in these altars. It is going to be a really bad situation for Ralph in his sin. When God gets a hold of him Ralph will... but, when he comes home he will be so glad to be home."
"Okay", I said, "that is what I needed to know; Ralph is coming home and will be saved. Alright, I can endure this for Ralph".

I have been waiting for almost four years. This April will be four years since... and in this time the Lord has been so good to me. It's crazy, but I am thankful for my trial. Had it not been for the path I had to take I might not have seen what the Lord could bring my through. I would not have seen this side of the Lord. The side of a God that took care of me, strengthened me, and comforted me. The road was and is hard but God has always been good. 

Lady, morning's just a moment away
And I'm without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn't say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where'd we go?

We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
"But then most of all
I Do Love You

We played the games that people play

We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
'Cause I needed you so desperately!  (Does he need me?)
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I Do Love You

(I added the song on the playlist for me because...)

I believe in miracles. And I believe my miracle is soooo close, I can almost touch my miracle. 
Hebrews 11/1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I will always love Ralph, my one and only love.
God bless you, Dear.

My in-laws never left my side through these trying times. They are dear to me. They really take care of me for Ralph. When he asked for a divorce he asked his parents to take care of us; and they have done so. It truly is a testimony unto the Lord, how close we are. And we have included them in pretty much everything. She told me tonight she will be making a homemade dinner for me with tortillas so we can spend time together. And I am there for them at anytime. They hug me and begin to pray for me sometimes, "God, bless my daughter-in-law..." Then they squeeze my hand and smile. He is coming home, friend. I have so much to be thankful for. You are going to see it so soon. Just watch what God is doing, that is what I am doing; watching the dusty trail for my miracle to see him coming up the road.

"Still" by the Commodores


  1. Sis Payan I am happy for you and that your miracle is coming soon.... There is never a day I don't pray for you and bro. Payan and although I won't stop praying I will thank god that he is still our miracle working father <3
    ~Victoria Anne

  2. Thank you, Dear. You and your prayers mean a lot to me. Heart-2-heart, Me.

  3. What a powerful post! Thanks so much for sharing. I'm stopping by via the blog hop. Nice to meet you! I'm a new follower.

    Lots of love,

  4. I got this wonderful email and I wanted to share it with you. It comes from a good friend I can depend on for strength and Godly encouragement.

    Sis. Payan i have been meaning to tell you that i truly enjoy your blog. It has touched me, made me laugh, and made me think. I have added your husband to my prayer list.

    thanks for everything =)

    (Oh, Kelly, I really thank you for the lovely words you sent to me. It made my days. Hugs and hugs.)

  5. Dear Darlene, I too will join in prayer for you and Ralph and look forward with you to restoration.

    You have a most lovely blog and I have had a few minutes to read some of your past posts. You are a precious LADY!

    Love to you!

    1. Thank you, Lorraine. I believe there is power in prayer and power where two or three are gathered in His name. Your friendship inspires me.


  6. It's a wonderful thing to face the time, trial after trial and know God is developing you, to get you to a place, in relationship to Him. I think of the difference between King Saul and King David. King Saul was promoted in a day. He understood, mentally, he needed God's help. His self estimation at the beginning was of great humility. King David on the other hand perceived that God had made him king, at least five years, after he had been ruling over Judah. He finally perceived it when other kingdoms sent him gifts.
    1Ch 14:2 And David perceived that the LORD had confirmed him king over Israel, for his kingdom was lifted up on high, because of his people Israel.
    For David, from the time that he was anointed to be king, to the time that he became king was 12-15 years.
    All the while David was proving the sling, playing the harp, watching, defending, and protecting his father's flock. When the moment came, when David met Goliath, the situation was very simple in the mind of David. He judged righteous judgement. like God expects His people to do. Goliath fell. David became a mighty warrior. The children of Israel sang David's praises: David has killed his tens of thousands. Howbeit, David would live as a fugitive for fear of Saul, for a time. Many feelings and psalms came from this period of God developing David to be that King that Saul was not. David came to know what it was to feel his utter dependency for God. This was a good thing, for David and for those that David would lead. The interesting thing about the above scripture is that the whole making David a king was for the sake of the people. God's people: The heritage of the Lord.
    I feel so much in my own situations of life very much like David. I wrestle with feeling of doubt and uncertainty and faith and doubt and what am I supposed to be doing? ect., ect., ect. . . .
    Hang in there! God's way and timing and plan is perfect!
    We live from Faith to faith! It begins with faith and it will end in faith! The just shall live by faith!
    In the end, you will be just what He wants you to be, for His own glory, and for the sake of His people!

    1. Timing is definitely everything. Last night I had a dream that we (Ralph and I) were trying to work things out. The uncomfortable-ness of the situation was clear in the dream yet the willingness and the effort to make it work was also a part of the dream. I prayed about it today asking God was this dream from You because I don't want anything less and if it is from You, then I say, "Yes" to Your will and Your way in me because I can trust You for You care about me.

      Thanks for the encouragement of faith.

    2. Timing is definitely everything. Last night I had a dream that we (Ralph and I) were trying to work things out. The uncomfortable-ness of the situation was clear in the dream yet the willingness and the effort to make it work was also a part of the dream. I prayed about it today asking God was this dream from You because I don't want anything less and if it is from You, then I say, "Yes" to Your will and Your way in me because I can trust You for You care about me.

      Thanks for the encouragement of faith.



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